Anybody In There?

One of the great things about talking to other writers has been the realization that my ‘oddness’ may not be so odd after all. Or, if I am odd, then I suffer from a common oddness, an oddness shared by many other writers. Of course, as individuals our quirks will vary from person to person, but I think there are many we have in common. One in particular is shared by most, if not all of us.  

No, I'm not talking about neurosis, although that is common. I'm not talking about depression, alcoholism, OCD, or a penchant for the darker things of life. Some writers have these traits, others do not. No, the trait I’m talking about has probably struck most writers before they finished reading this paragraph: 

Daydreaming.

I’m sure this is a trait shared by musicians and painters, but writers in particular have a terrific time staying ‘here’. I spend most of my life in ‘Birchland’ talking to various fictional characters. Days and weeks and months can pass by without me realizing it. I look out the window and there are leaves on the trees. I look again, and the leaves are gone.

Sometimes, when we are children, we are told to PAY ATTENTION. We don’t. Mystics talk about living in the moment. We try and fail. Our spouses snap their fingers and say, “Were you even listening to me?”

Sadly, the answer is often no, and this can get us in trouble with our significant others/employers/muggers. They don’t understand that we don’t mean to slip off, it just happens. Because of this, we are often tagged with the following labels:  

1. Apathetic

“Look at him, he doesn’t care what I’m saying.”

This certainly could be true. About 99% of what we babble in a particular day can be disregarded without any great threat to mankind. But in the case of a writer, it’s not rudeness. We rather like you; it’s just that paying attention is a little like trying to circumnavigate an event horizon. Whether we like it or not, we’re going to tumble into that black hole. Why? Because the fate of Sir Percival the Dragonslayer trumps your trip to the grocery store. Sure, you found a 10% discount on toilet paper, but Sir Percival just lost the Sword of Truth, and he has only one turn of the hourglass to save the princess from transforming into an ogre!

Now, I know what a non-writer would say in this situation, because I’ve (and probably you’ve) heard it before. “But dude, I’m talking about reality. That stuff in your head is fake--don’t you get that?”

Yes, Sir Percival and the princess do not exist. They have never existed, and they will never exist. I understand that. I’m not psychotic. But do you understand that it doesn’t matter? The characters may be fake, but the urgency is real. These are real dilemmas that must be solved. Toilet paper be damned!     

2. Dull, simple, or slow

“Did you order the pizza?”

“Huh?” the writer says. “Wha?”

“Never mind, I’ll order it.”

“You didn’t pay the bills?”

“Huh?” the writer says. “Wha?”

“Never mind, we’ll pay them tomorrow.”

Sometimes, a clever person who daydreams can give the impression that he or she is dull, simple, or slow. Of course, this is far from the truth. Distracted does not mean dumb. Sadly, many writers do not believe this about themselves. Luckily, I'm here to tell you the truth. Are you ready? YOU ARE NOT DUMB!!! It doesn’t matter if your teachers, parents, best friend or any other person diagnosed you as stupid. You are not.

Think about this for a moment: you create worlds out of nothing. You create people out of nothing. On Monday, you stared at a blank screen. On Tuesday, the tribal elders of Gath prepared for war. On Wednesday, little Hal’teth killed the chief and now must rule his people. You’ve just created an entire race in less than a week, and you think you’re stupid? Don’t be an idiot!

Far from blank, a writer’s mind is a hurricane of thoughts, ideas, and emotions. This is why we tune out so often. There’s only so much mental energy to go around, and reality often loses. But still, the perception of us as stupid continues to rear its ugly head. A co-worker might see Bob staring out the window at a blue jay and think, “Wow, he’s doing it again--not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?” Meanwhile, Bob is trying to figure out how the genetic sequencing of dinosaurs can be achieved on Mars Station Alpha. At lunch, Jane from accounting isn’t touching her sandwich, again, but that’s because she just saw six warships sunk by the Spanish Armada. She has no idea where Madam Clarissa is, but she could be dead. Unless, unless…

3. Immature

“There he goes again, his head in the clouds. When will he finally grow up?”

This last one makes me laugh. For some reason, there are a handful of memes that continue to be shared about the mythical creature known as ‘an adult’. I’m not sure who started this, but if you are above the age of twenty-five and you spend your days dreaming about wizards, aliens, and werewolves? Well then, you must be some kind of stunted man-child. Why don’t you start thinking about the important things in life, like trade policy and oil prices? Peterson was just discussing how a 6% tax increase will affect foreign bond markets, and you’re wondering if the dwarf’s axe should be single or double headed? What's wrong with you, grow up!

One of the blessings of being a writer is that we get to hold a little golden thread in our hands. And that thread stretches all the way back to childhood. What are now words on a computer screen was once “play time” with our favourite toys. Because we write, the child survives. It’s a special gift, one most ‘adults’ lose because a.) they believe they must, or b.) the world beats them till they let go. Quietly and slowly, their imaginations recede until there’s barely enough for a smirk at the Sunday funnies.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be responsible adults. Of course we should. But what’s wrong with a head in the clouds? Life is a strange sort of daydream anyway. We live on a spinning blue ball in the middle of nowhere. We meet our loved ones, spend a few moments with them, and then they are gone forever. Our own lives are tragically short. Is there a ‘right’ way to live? How will discussing the fiscal budget keep me alive longer than thinking about unicorns? Dull seems like a dreadful way to spend my time here. 

“He is such an odd man.”

“She is a tad offish, don’t you think?”

“There you go again--hello? Anybody in there?”

I think that we, as writers, have to embrace our oddness--this includes daydreaming. If you want to spend your mental life with the elves of the Ember Forest, I say great. It may not get you more dates, and your co-workers may shout themselves hoarse trying to get your attention, but so what? Stop apologizing for yourself. I have. I gave up the fight to stay ‘here’ a long time ago. Is it 2011? Is it 2005? Does it really matter? 

Does it? Whether I PAY ATTENTION or not, politicians will continue to abuse their power, businessmen will continue to choke on their own greed, and Hollywood’s hotties will continue to be arrested for huffing glue and committing “lewd acts” with traffic signs. Mumbling to myself about dragon scales hardly seems like I’m missing out on anything important.  

“You need a reality check!”

Oh yeah? Why?

Good Enough

I think I speak for many writers when I say that the self-publishing boom has been a dream come true. For the first time, writers have an opportunity to publish what they want, the way they want. No more do we have to beg and plead publishers for a tiny fraction of our royalties. No longer do we have to change our fiction to suit the tastes of an editor or agent. Never again will we have to play the rejection game--which, as some of us know, can go on for years. There’s a spirit of “maybe I won’t have to work at my McJob for the next thirty years” in the air. I’m excited about these changes, and I’m glad to be on board.

But...

There’s also a pitfall to this whole self-publishing game. No, it’s not the low book prices (I actually like the low prices). It’s not the hassle of finding a cover artist (a process I’m currently involved in). It’s not even the stink of ‘vanity press’ that still hovers over us.

It has to do with the fact that writing is hard. As Larry David (a writer) might say: It’s pretty hard. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty hard.

Writing a novel can sometimes feel like you’re scaling Everest with a grand piano strapped to your back. It’s a long, tedious, sometimes maddening process. Robert Heinlein famously said that most people who attempt to write will eventually give it up.

But now that’s changed, because self-publishing is easy.

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty easy.

With sites like Amazon, anyone can publish a novel. This ranges from the seasoned author, to the stay-at-home mom, to your cousin Bob who never wrote anything until last month when he got really high. You know the story I’m talking about--with the magical Cheetos and the wizard? That one.

With one click, he’s now an author.

So what’s the problem? Shouldn’t Cousin Bob have the chance to publish his book? Sure it might suck, but what’s the harm?  

 

Actually, I’m not worried about Cousin Bob. I’m worried about the writers with real talent.

If Cousin Bob thinks ‘The Wizard of Munchie Mountain’ is good enough, fine. But what’s keeping a talented writer from doing the same? I think this is the potential tragedy of self-publishing. When the going gets tough, a talented writer could squander his/her talent in exchange for relief. Where the impossible odds of publishing pushed us forward in the past, the easy out of self-publishing could ruin a great many books before they reach their true potential.

So what’s the solution? You’re not going to like this. I didn’t like it either, but I see no other alternative:

Indie writers must strap on a second piano. We must make it harder for ourselves. A lot harder. If no one is going to raise the bar for us, we must raise it ourselves. We have to set an incredibly high standard and persevere until we reach it.

How do you know you’ve reached it? Believe me, you’ll know. It’s kinda like the ‘wall’ that marathon runners hit a few hours into the race. You’ll be exhausted. Your eyes will burn from staring at the screen. Your head will feel like a hollowed out coconut, and you’ll be so sick of your novel that you’ll never want to read it ever again. 

That’s when you’ll be ready to click the publish button.

But most writers won’t get this far. They’ll go as far as Heinlein predicted, and then call it a day. ‘Good enough’ will become the standard, and a new generation of “writers” will strut around with a first draft of nonsense for sale on-line.

This bothers me, not because millions of readers will be ripped-off, but because millions of writers will never experience the satisfaction of pushing themselves to the limit. We write for the journey, the exploration of our own humanity. How great is a journey of only a few steps? How far can you explore if you’re only willing to go skin deep?

The Yucky Stuff

Twitter is awesome. I’ve never met so many writers in my life, and I love feeling part of a wide, global community. Through Twitter, I’ve learned that a.) I’m not the only one who worries about fictional people, and b.) I’m not the only one who struggles with the love/hate dance of storytelling. It’s a great feeling, and I hope to learn more from the experience.

Lately, however, I’ve been seeing a tweet that has me puzzled:  

“I’ve finished writing. Now I need an editor.”

Before going further, I want to say that editors are great. If you’ve been thinking of saving up your nickels and dimes to hire one, do it. But the impression I’ve been getting is not one of:

“I’ve written, edited, and combed through my writing a bazillion times. I’ve done all I can do with it, now I need another opinion.”

Instead, I get the sneaking suspicion (and I hope I’m wrong), that “I need an editor” really means:  

“I’m done with the fun, now I need someone to handle the yucky stuff.”

If you fall into the first category, then I’d like to pat you on the back (because I don’t have beer money) and congratulate you on a job well done. You ran the race, you crossed the finish line. Bravo. However, if you fall into the second category, then I’m afraid I’ll have to brandish my Mighty Baton of Justice and lay the smackdown. (Note: I also considered calling it my Daisy of Doom, but it just didn’t have the same ring).

Readers of my past essays know I used to have a terrible editing phobia. Paralyzing, really. The very thought of it gave me stomach cramps. Let me put it another way: I’ve finished two novels, and yet I’ve written eight. How’s that for fear? I could write the first draft no problem. It was the second and third drafts that terrified me. I couldn’t even conceive of a fourth draft. A fourth draft might as well have been the seventh level of hell.  

But I couldn’t keep running away from the problem. After all, a first draft has only one function: to sit on a shelf and never be read by anyone. And one of the reasons we write is to share our ideas with others.

But you can’t share a first draft. Remember what Hemingway said: “All first drafts are shit.” You can’t present your friends and family with shit. You certainly can’t send it to a publisher (if nothing else, the smell would alert customs). So what’s the answer?

You sir, or madam, must hit the books. Hard. Yes, I’m talking about grammar. No, the grammar check on your computer isn’t enough (in fact, it often makes it worse). No, you can’t just “wing it” and hope no one notices. No, your disregard for grammar is not some avant-garde attempt at a new style of writing.

“But in your last essay you talked about writing as fun. Have you changed your mind, you crotchety old coot?”

No, I haven’t. But you have to learn the rules before you can bend them.

Look, I know how you feel. Writers like to play. We don’t like to study. But trust a phobic on this one. If you start to study, something amazing will happen: 

Your sentences will start to make sense. 

What a revelation! At least it was for me. I always thought grammar was the literary equivalent of “The Man” trying to keep me down. No no no. Grammar is freedom.

Do you have to learn every grammar rule in the book? No. That would take the rest of your life. You need to learn enough to write clear and clean. Luckily, we are a generation of writers with the Internet. If you’re stuck, look it up. There are many great grammar sites out there (I’ll post a link at the bottom).

Learn as you write. But do learn it.  

“I still don’t see why I can’t hire someone to do it for me.”

Thwack with the Mighty Baton of Justice! Dude, if you don’t study, you and your writing will never evolve. And if you aren’t committed to evolution, then why the hell are you doing this in the first place? To impress your friends? To land a date with that cute librarian? To chase after some foolish notion of immortality? These are all terrible reasons to write (except for maybe the cute librarian one).

If you’ve chosen this journey, then you need to tread the wide flat path and the thorny underbrush. And if you love it enough, you’ll endure the scrapes and bruises. But if you’re not willing to donate the years (yes, years) to this craft, then save yourself the headache and do something else. Seriously. Stop writing this instant because you’ve already failed.

Do I think you can do it? Yes, I do. Persistence is a powerful tool. It’s the real ‘Secret’. Forget about finding a short cut--there isn’t one, and you wouldn’t want it anyway. Many lotto winners are miserable. Most trust fund babies grow into coked up flunkies. They didn’t earn their success, and they know it.

I’m not there yet, but I’m willing to study and push and suffer those slings and arrows until I’ve made it. Are you? Then stop hoping that someone else will make you a great writer. 

Yes, you do need an editor. Luckily, the best one is free. 

My favourite 'how-to' writing books (in order of awesomeness): 

'On Writing' by Stephen King

'The Elements of Style' by Strunk & White

'Self-Editing for Fiction Writers' by Renni Brown and Dave King

'Zen and the Art of Writing' by Ray Bradbury

'If You Want to Write' by Brenda Ueland

'Word Painting' by Rebecca McClanahan

'Getting Into Character' by Brandilyn Collins

My favourite on-line grammar site: Grammar Girl